Friday musings
Apr. 18th, 2008 04:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
firstfallenpandaSo, the baby buffalo is doing well. His* eyes are inflamed and if they don't get better the operation will have been all in vain. He's full of life, though, attacked a nurse when she tried to give him a shot :P.
Looking forward to a weekend of vegging and knitting and watching movies. Not so looking forward to a family thing tomorrow. I don't really get on with my family, we have nothing in common. I think P and I will leave early to go watch movies at CW.
I periodically go through these self-pity phases of "I'm so lonely, I have no friends, I miss all the friends I used to have, how did I screw up the friendships so badly, etc". It's true, I did used to have lots of friends. I did go out often with them and do stuff. I seem to have become very antisocial in the last 2 or so years. Many of the friends I cut off cos they were just no good for me. Very self-destructive relationships there. I still miss them, though, and I often think of initiating contact. Then I think "what will I say? do I still want to be friends with these people? they've changed, they are no longer the people I was friends with and who I miss". I read stuff about them on blogs and through the wonderful stalking mechanism that is Facebook, and I'm glad they are doing well for themselves. Occasionally** I indulge in a bit of schadenfreude when I hear about something bad that's happened to them. But mostly I'm happy that they are happy. There is a thing tomorrow, some of the former friends will be there. But, it's hosted by someone I really can't stand and even though I like the person for whom the party is being thrown and I like most of the people going and it might be cool to see some of the former friends in a vague way, I will be very uncomfortable in that venue. I wish I could be grown-up and just Get Over It, but I can't and I'd rather stay out of situations where I'm uncomfortable or where I'll get all miff.
I think I will post this as not friends-locked. Maybe they will see it and know that I do feel bad about my actions and what happened and that I do miss them and wish them well, I don't sit up at night hating them. I'm just not sure I want to be friends with them. If that makes sense.
I have a question: can one be lonely and antisocial at the same time? I miss having people to do stuff with and I miss the people I used to hang with, but I also like being by myself and not having to be cheerful or think of things to say so people will think I'm interesting. Eh. Sometimes everything is such an effort.
The weather outside is turning cold and stormy, I'm looking forward to snuggles and a bad medieval movie on TV tonight. And possibly sushi. What I actually feel like doing this weekend is crawling into bed and moping and wallowing, but I think it would be better for me to do something else. So, tomorrow night I plan to go out to a club. I don't know which one (it's been so long, I don't know what's open anymore) and I don't know who will be there (maybe you?) but I will have a Good Time, even if I have to grit my teeth and pretend. I'm still in my twenties, dammit, enough of this watching TV and knitting crap. I used to go out dancing alot. It's time to rediscover my youf.
* I'm not sure what the sex is, I just use whatever I feel like when I refer to it.
** Ok, more like "frequently". I'm a bad person, yes, I know. It's not enough that I succeed, others must fail.
Looking forward to a weekend of vegging and knitting and watching movies. Not so looking forward to a family thing tomorrow. I don't really get on with my family, we have nothing in common. I think P and I will leave early to go watch movies at CW.
I periodically go through these self-pity phases of "I'm so lonely, I have no friends, I miss all the friends I used to have, how did I screw up the friendships so badly, etc". It's true, I did used to have lots of friends. I did go out often with them and do stuff. I seem to have become very antisocial in the last 2 or so years. Many of the friends I cut off cos they were just no good for me. Very self-destructive relationships there. I still miss them, though, and I often think of initiating contact. Then I think "what will I say? do I still want to be friends with these people? they've changed, they are no longer the people I was friends with and who I miss". I read stuff about them on blogs and through the wonderful stalking mechanism that is Facebook, and I'm glad they are doing well for themselves. Occasionally** I indulge in a bit of schadenfreude when I hear about something bad that's happened to them. But mostly I'm happy that they are happy. There is a thing tomorrow, some of the former friends will be there. But, it's hosted by someone I really can't stand and even though I like the person for whom the party is being thrown and I like most of the people going and it might be cool to see some of the former friends in a vague way, I will be very uncomfortable in that venue. I wish I could be grown-up and just Get Over It, but I can't and I'd rather stay out of situations where I'm uncomfortable or where I'll get all miff.
I think I will post this as not friends-locked. Maybe they will see it and know that I do feel bad about my actions and what happened and that I do miss them and wish them well, I don't sit up at night hating them. I'm just not sure I want to be friends with them. If that makes sense.
I have a question: can one be lonely and antisocial at the same time? I miss having people to do stuff with and I miss the people I used to hang with, but I also like being by myself and not having to be cheerful or think of things to say so people will think I'm interesting. Eh. Sometimes everything is such an effort.
The weather outside is turning cold and stormy, I'm looking forward to snuggles and a bad medieval movie on TV tonight. And possibly sushi. What I actually feel like doing this weekend is crawling into bed and moping and wallowing, but I think it would be better for me to do something else. So, tomorrow night I plan to go out to a club. I don't know which one (it's been so long, I don't know what's open anymore) and I don't know who will be there (maybe you?) but I will have a Good Time, even if I have to grit my teeth and pretend. I'm still in my twenties, dammit, enough of this watching TV and knitting crap. I used to go out dancing alot. It's time to rediscover my youf.
* I'm not sure what the sex is, I just use whatever I feel like when I refer to it.
** Ok, more like "frequently". I'm a bad person, yes, I know. It's not enough that I succeed, others must fail.
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-18 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-18 06:53 pm (UTC)I think definitely yes.
The best friends are the ones you don't have to be "social" with - you just hang out and do/be whatever you feel like at the time. They do the same. Friends like that are, well, just awesome.