firstfallenpanda: (Default)
These recent long weekends have been great. I got to spend quality time with my bear, who returned from Old Blighty last week (on a public holiday :P) with a suitcase full of gorgeous yarn for me!* We voted, nommed and then vegged with ST. It was lovely.

Sarah and Hendrik's wedding was lovely, if a bit on the chilly side. I thought I wouldn't enjoy it for lack of Panda but I ended up having a good time (mostly due to an epic conversation on SF authors and mutual agreement that Ian M Banks is overrated and then some ass-shaking on the dance-floor which left me sore for days afterwards).

I also saw The Reader while P was away. It really made me think about cultural guilt. An ex-SS camp guard is portrayed as a (gasp!) normal woman who was just doing her job (there was a big outcry in the media about this aspect). It brought home that lots of people involved in atrocities are just doing their jobs, just going along with the government. One of the characters remarks that the trial of the ex camp guards is a farce, just an outlet for everyone else's guilt and so they can be seen to be "doing something". The only reason they were being prosecuted was because one of the survivors wrote a book. It made me think about whether Germans still feel guilty about the Holocaust. I know there's severe paranoia about anything that might rekindle Nazi sympathies but I wonder how many Germans (especially the children of those who were adults at the time) feel guilty about their parents' (in)actions. Then I started thinking about how many whites my age feel guilty for apartheid. I think I've said on this blog before that I don't particularly feel guilty about it. My family was poor, still are poor. I went to a government school and did pretty well there, but I'd like to think that was because I'm smart and not because I'm white. I don't recall having any particular advantages during primary and pre-school years. Perhaps I'm living in a rose-coloured fairy world of Northern Suburbia. I just don't feel guilty about it, it wasn't me and I don't think I gained by it.

Also, during the run-up to elections I remarked to my sister that the vast majority of South Africans vote according to race and it does seem true. I don't think we'll get rid of that until the last people who suffered under apartheid are dead. Only now am I meeting mixed couples (not white-coloured, but white-black which seems somehow more radical?) and it seems to be young people, people who were too young to have any concept of apartheid. I didn't have any concept of apartheid growing up, the first I knew about it was when the schools were opened and we got a coloured girl in our class. I remember my mom saying "be nice to her but don't bring her home". I didn't really understand that, I was 11 or 12 at the time. I often find myself thinking about what it means to be white and South African. Do I feel guilty? Should I? Did I benefit from others' misery? Afrikanerdom is full of emo :P. Next think you know I'll be walking into the sea.

I am so looking forward to Wolverine: Origins this weekend. I might actually wet my pants, the trailer looks so damn awesome. I do love me some hot X-Men action. You can keep your wangsty Caped Crusader, DC, Marvel ftw. I like my super-heroes to actually have super powers. Iron Man is an exception, because RD Jr can do no wrong. I can't wait for the Ultimates movie.


* also a proposal, which I accepted. Plans are for next year March, UK ceremony and party this Xmas if financial situation stabilizes.

firstfallenpanda: (Default)
I've started to use a feed reader as I keep forgetting to check all the various knitting/friend/science blogs that I like to read. I'm using Google Reader just because it was there*.

The issue I'm having, however, is that often readers don't get the comments** . Are there readers out there that grab comments too, or is it specific to the source page/blog? I hate having to go check the page to see what the comments are :/. What do you use?

In other news, two more sleeps till I turn 28. I'm finding myself in a very contemplative place right now. It must be the rapid approach to 30. In my mind 30 year olds are supposed to know what they're doing with their lives, have a Plan for the Future and basically be Responsible Adults able to Contribute to Society. Also, still brooding on the issue of ex-bf and her engagement. Sigh.

While at "work" today, a public holiday***, I seem to have fallen into science blogs. This is a particularly cool one. There's also WTF Nature and Tetrapod Zoology. I would love to go to the abyssal plain. I need a submersible, dammit. It's for Science!! Also, I need a vat to grow dinosaurs.



* I like to keep all my stuffs in one place, and since I use Gmail and Google Calendar already it seemed logical to use Google Reader
** unless like Wordpress (ftw!) there's a seperate feed for comments as well
*** I'm taking the time off in lieu for exams

firstfallenpanda: (rollpanda)
So, the baby buffalo is doing well. His* eyes are inflamed and if they don't get better the operation will have been all in vain. He's full of life, though, attacked a nurse when she tried to give him a shot :P.

Looking forward to a weekend of vegging and knitting and watching movies. Not so looking forward to a family thing tomorrow. I don't really get on with my family, we have nothing in common. I think P and I will leave early to go watch movies at CW.

I periodically go through these self-pity phases of  "I'm so lonely, I have no friends, I miss all the friends I used to have, how did I screw up the friendships so badly, etc". It's true, I did used to have lots of friends. I did go out often with them and do stuff. I seem to have become very antisocial in the last 2 or so years. Many of the friends I cut off cos they were just no good for me. Very self-destructive relationships there. I still miss them, though, and I often think of initiating contact. Then I think "what will I say? do I still want to be friends with these people? they've changed, they are no longer the people I was friends with and who I miss". I read stuff about them on blogs and through the wonderful stalking mechanism that is Facebook, and I'm glad they are doing well for themselves. Occasionally** I indulge in a bit of schadenfreude when I hear about something bad that's happened to them. But mostly I'm happy that they are happy. There is a thing tomorrow, some of the former friends will be there. But, it's hosted by someone I really can't stand and even though I like the person for whom the party is being thrown and I like most of the people going and it might be cool to see some of the former friends in a vague way, I will be very uncomfortable in that venue. I wish I could be grown-up and just Get Over It, but I can't and I'd rather stay out of situations where I'm uncomfortable or where I'll get all miff.

I think I will post this as not friends-locked. Maybe they will see it and know that I do feel bad about my actions and what happened and that I do miss them and wish them well, I don't sit up at night hating them. I'm just not sure I want to be friends with them. If that makes sense.

I have a question: can one be lonely and antisocial at the same time? I miss having people to do stuff with and I miss the people I used to hang with, but I also like being by myself and not having to be cheerful or think of things to say so people will think I'm interesting. Eh. Sometimes everything is such an effort.

The weather outside is turning cold and stormy, I'm looking forward to snuggles and a bad medieval movie on TV tonight. And possibly sushi. What I actually feel like doing this weekend is crawling into bed and moping and wallowing, but I think it would be better for me to do something else. So, tomorrow night I plan to go out to a club. I don't know which one (it's been so long, I don't know what's open anymore) and I don't know who will be there (maybe you?) but I will have a Good Time, even if I have to grit my teeth and pretend. I'm still in my twenties, dammit, enough of this watching TV and knitting crap. I used to go out dancing alot. It's time to rediscover my youf.


* I'm not sure what the sex is, I just use whatever I feel like when I refer to it.
** Ok, more like "frequently". I'm a bad person, yes, I know. It's not enough that I succeed, others must fail.

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